rules to live by
by walkingonempty
Summary: Being trained to kill your emotions your entire life racks havoc on one's social skills even for highly competent ninjas. Five times Sai uses his guidebooks for basic human interactions and fails so hard he wins and one time he doesn't and manages as well as can be expected. Sai-centric crack. Mentions of InoSai and NaruSasuSaku.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters; they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't get any money from this.**

**Sai is full of awkward and love; too bad the awkward sometimes gets in the way of the love, making him seem like a giant dick made of dicks. Hints of InoSai, NaruSasuSaku, ShikaTema, and HinaKiba. Starts out cracky and only gets crackier...umm maybe OOC?**

_**Rule No.63: **__Be genuinely interested in the person and ask them personal questions as an indication of your thoughtful desire to get to know them better._

Neji has just removed his headband and pushed back his sweat-drenched hair after a particularly brutal session with Sai; according to Sai's guidebooks on how to function as your average emotionally healthy person who kills and lies for a living, the emotion Sai is feeling right now is pride for having pushed someone as talented as Neji to his limits. This makes Sai feel content, as his guidebooks call it, so he decides to "display an interest" in his newfound sparring buddy's personal life. Later, Sai will find out this is a _bad_ idea.

"Neji-san, what is that mark on your forehead?" Sai queries.

(Sai is nothing if not polite and thoughtful around other people. After he called her "ugly" for the third time today, Sakura suggested that he try to converse with others as a means to build his social confidence.

Naruto had looked apprehensive before Sai asked, "Are you alright, Dickless? Your expression indicates constipation, most likely from ramen. A healthy diet…" Naruto had stopped him then, sniggering and saying that he definitely agreed that Sai should try to talk to others, especially Neji. Sai is touched that his use of nicknames is increasing his teammate's confidence in his social skills.)

Neji looks at him blankly before turning away and beginning to wipe the blood off his kunai. Sai takes this as an indication he should proceed with this conversation.

"So Neji-san? Is it a matter of personal preference or rebellion against your clan? I noticed that Hinata-chan did not have one. From what I have heard of your uncle, I cannot imagine, he'd approve of you getting a tattoo," Sai remarks.

(He knows Neji will be flattered by bringing his knowledge of Neji's family into the conversation. It is a sign that Sai is invested in getting to know Neji better and has already bothered to learn something about Neji.)

Neji finally engages in the conversation, but he is not flattered. Sai regains use of his arms two weeks later. Sai takes this to mean that he should have complete family and medical history, as well as a full analysis of their combat ability and two psychological evaluations of an individual, before he even attempts to approach said individual. He will ask Danzo-sama for the files of all relevant shinobi immediately.

_**Sai's Revised Rule No.63**__: When genuinely interested in a person, put ninja intelligence-gathering skills to work and gather background information on that person. All of it…this will lessen the likelihood of injuries._

xxx

_**Rule No. 19: **__When you compliment someone, comment on something you actually like about them. This shows you are sincere._

Sai has been seriously contemplating how to interact with Sakura and Naruto without mortally offending them for days now; he has decided the next step on the team-bonding schedule is paying a sincere compliment to his two teammates since they do not seem to appreciate their nicknames. Naruto's compliment did not seem to go well.

(Then again, after Kakashi-sensei explained that "Dickless, your penis is so miniscule that I believe wearing orange is an appropriate over-compensation" was an insult, Sai can admit that maybe Naruto's resulting reaction was an under-reaction after all. Still, Sai still knows boys his age bond over talking about crude subject matters and does not think he deserved a Rasengan thrown at his head.)

So now, Sai is going to going to compliment Sakura. He wants Sakura to know how much he appreciates her help integrating with others in their age group. He walks up to her and Ino as they stop to take a break from training. He has thought of just the compliment.

"Ugly, your forehead glows in the afternoon sun," Sai stumbles as he looks at the expression on Sakura's face—the one that usually was an omen of impending doom—but still he soldiers on. (Being a ROOT operative since he as long has he can remember has taught Sai the importance of completing a mission). "Actually, that is sweat," he awkwardly finishes.

Ino giggles. Crickets chirp. Sai feels a sudden sense of dread.

_**Sai's Revised Rule No. 19:**__ When complimenting a boy, do not talk about the size of their small penis (or the size of their penis at all). When complimenting a girl, just say she is pretty (and smart and strong and please, please don't punch me in the head)._

xxx

_**Rule No. 42: **__Remember to always so "please" and "thank you." This shows that you are polite and extend all human beings the same basic courtesies. _

Tsunade-sama has requested that Sai locate Shikamaru to convey some message or another. While Sai thinks this task below him—a jounin-level, battle-hardened shinobi—still, he persists. After all, his books tell him being pleasant and agreeable is the first way to win someone's trust. Sai will take any task that the Hokage gives him if it means staying with his friends, presuming it is appropriate he calls Naruto and Sakura his friends.

He finds Shikamaru and Choji on a rooftop and proceeds cautiously. Choji has been rather hostile to him ever since the Fattie Incident, and Shikamaru has been a bit cold since the Nap Debacle.

(Sai has learned it is not a good idea to call people nicknames based on their physical characteristics. It also not a good idea to wake Shikamaru up from a nap with a bucket of cold water. Ever.)

Right now, Choji is eating chips and Shikamaru is staring at the clouds. Sai has noticed that the two do this often and supposes that this is their special bonding ritual. He does not wish to intrude, but then again, a mission is a mission.

"Shikamaru-san, please report to the Hokage Tower as soon as possible, thank-you," he says evenly, ignoring their blank glares.

Shikamaru blinks and then begins to look at the clouds again and Choji munches on another handful of chips.

"Shikamaru-san, I believe your mother also requested your presence at the Hokage Tower. She said it had something to do with clan business. She looked rather agitated the last time I saw her," Sai lies blandly in order to hasten Shikamaru's departure. "I'd hate for her to grow even more angry."

(Sai found out the hard way why Yoshino Nara was as feared as she was when he asked her if her constant anger was caused by a perpetual state of PMS. Her resulting display of rage left Sai terrified, a little bit injured, and more than a little in love. When he confessed this to Shikamaru, the aftermath was even greater than the Nap Debacle, reminding Sai that Shikamaru was indeed Yoshino's son and inherited her temper despite his lazy appearance.

Or maybe Sai said something wrong; did it seem like people got unnaturally angry around him? Maybe he should not have called Yoshino "a fine piece of ass" like his ROOT comrades called the women they were interested in.)

Shikamaru blanches and then disappears in a puff of smoke. Choji munches on another handful of chips before holding the bag out to Sai. "When he finds out you're lying, he'll move you from his 'more troublesome' to 'most troublesome' list," Choji says sagely.

Sai is not sure what to say to that, so he sits down and takes the proffered chips. Some times Sai is learning that it is better to say nothing than anything at all. For some reason people get very insulted whenever Sai opens his mouth and sounds come out. Besides he doesn't want to risk Choji's recently-given forgiveness so soon after the Fattie Incident.

_**Sai's Revised Rule No.42 :**_ _Saying "please" and "thank you"_ _is nice, but there is something that is always better: blackmail_. _Especially of the person in question has an especially terrifying and "hot" mother. Only do not tell the blackmailee their mother is hot. That only ends in pain. So much pain._

xxx

_**Rule No.**_ _**128: **__When it is a close friend's or family member's birthday, it is appropriate to give him or her a present. If done correctly, they may return the favor at a later date._

Today is Tsunade-sama's birthday. Sai is considering giving her a present; he is not sure what the exact proper etiquette for giving one's superiors presents is, but he does not want to break it if there is any that he should follow. The Godaime Hokage is already scary enough when she isn't mad at him. Perhaps he should ask Danzo-sama?

(Dickless—Sai feels comfortable enough calling Naruto this now since Naruto hasn't tried to Rasengan-power punch him even once in the last week—has told Sai that he shouldn't call Danzo-sama this because Danzo-sama is a "power-hungry old fuck that likes to kick puppies and kill people and some shit." Sai sometimes agrees with this but still feels uncomfortable whenever Naruto says this. A lifetime of brainwashing to become an emotionless killing machine needs to be overcome in baby steps and not these huge leaps Naruto is always pushing him to make. Still, that one time Kiba and Naruto got him drunk and had him yell "Fuck. That. Bitch." on the roof of the Hokage Tower to let out his inner feelings about Danzo-sama was helpful…)

Sai decides that fact that he is considering asking Danzo-sama advice about any interpersonal relationships is a bad sign. Following this logic, Sai decides to do the opposite of whatever he believes Danzo would do. Now whatever would Danzo not get Tsunade-sama for her birthday? Sai blinks. He has the perfect idea.

Two hours later, Sai excitedly barges into the Hokage office with two bottles of Konoha's finest sake. (He has had several samples himself to make sure this is indeed the finest sake. He has observed that the Hokage likes to drink very often, but her assistant often prevents her from partaking as often as she would desire. He stealthily looks both ways. Shizune is nowhere is sight.)

"What do you want, Nar—oh, it's the other brat," Tsunade finishes. Sai tries very hard to stand up straight and slurs his words, "Happy birthday, old hag!"

Tsunade's eyes narrow dangerously. Even as socially retarded as he is sober, Sai's drunken mind takes this as an indication that he should clarify.

"Dickless said it was your birthday, and he was going to get you a present," Sai mumbles. "I know we are not close enough to use nicknames, but Dic—Naruto—calls you that and I want a obaa-san too. Not that I think that you are old enough to be my obaa-san. Jiraiya-sama always talks about your huge, youthful, ummm…nevermind, my books tell me that you should give birthday gift if you are close to someone. I do not have any one to be close to because Danzo-sama tried to make me kill—"

"Sai," Tsundade inturrupts.

Sai babbles on, "brother. Dickless is like my brother now, so I guess that makes you my brother's grandmother. I understand that I still must give you due respect since you are my Hokage, but I am very sorry about this. Here is your sake. I am new at learning emotions, and Temari's Bitch said that drinking away the awkward would make a sufficient social lubricant for situations like these. I would ask my brother what to do, but he is dead."

Sai flinches and prepares for death as Tsunade moves forward…

Sai is confused; the only death he is in danger is being smothered to death by Tsunade's considerable "assets" as she encloses him in a bone-crunching hug.

"Why are you hugging me? This is the part where people usually punch me or tell me to go away. I can tell from your face I have offended you," Sai slurs.

"Shhh, brat," she says, "When you are sober, we will talk about the health risks of alcoholism and emotional coping methods. In the mean time, you said you have sake?"

Two hours later, Shizune finds them passed out on top of a pile of paperwork. Sai is now the latest emotionally-wrecked teen shinobi who awakens Tsuande's maternal instinct . Shizune makes a note to leave a parenting books on Tzunade's desk. She doubts that aiding and abetting underage drinking is the best way to channel latent maternal instincts.

_**Sai's Revised Rule No.128: **__Birthday presents are conducive for building relationships; however, showing up drunk in front of your superior is not (except in special circumstances). When showing up in front of your superior, make sure she is not a woman renowned for her Hulk-like strength and Hulk-like temper. If drunk in front of said woman, do not call her a hag. If all of this fails, look pathetic and hope for the best. You never know; this strategy actually has worked once._

xxx

_**Social Rule No. 158**_: _After a social gathering in the later hours with a young lady you care about, it never hurts to be chivalrous and offer to walk her. When doing this however, remember to be a gentleman and never presume anything about intentions if she does accept your offer._

It is late at night. Sai is at a social gathering involving a bonfire and drinks and copulating couples. (Sai cannot tell if Naruto and the now non-homicidal Sasuke are couple, if Sasuke and Sakura are a couple, or the three of them are a couple. He does not understand why everyone begins cough awkwardly when he asks for clarification. Well, at the very least, he knows Shikamaru and Temari are couple since she loudly declared he was her bitch and he muttered "troublesome" before being pulled off into the bushes. The tent has been taken by a loud and enthusiastic Kiba and Hinata. Sai wonders if he should warn Kiba of Neji's rage but decides that they wish to remain uninterrupted. See, he is learning some social skills.)

Everyone has left Ino and Sai alone. She is leaning forward, but Sai knows from what Naruto has told him that leaning forward is a violation of privacy. Technically, Naruto said leaning forward was bad between two guys, and now Naruto leaned forward with both Sasuke and Sakura all the time. Still, Sai does not want to invade Ino's privacy or assume anything. That would be ungentlemanly. Sai's books says he must always treat ladies like they were ladies, and Sai does not want an angry Inoichi Yamanaka after him because he invaded his daughter's personal space, assuming there was anything left of him once Ino was through with him.

"Do you wish to go home? I can accompany you," Sai offers warily. Ino smiles slowly and tosses her hair out of her eyes. Sai gulps.

"Well, I suppose we will be classier than Billboard Brow and her boys. Honestly, it's like they think we can't hear what's going on with them and those shadow clones. Yes, you _can_ walk me home," she says silkily. Sai has learned enough of social skills to learn that this may be an invitation to lean forward more, but still he knows enough not to presume.

When they arrive at Ino's house, he decides to clarify this, saying, "I know that in my books that this may be an invitation to lean forward more, and your face seems to indicate you would like me to invade your personal space. Still, I will not do so until I hear so from your lips, Beautiful."

Ino eyes widen before she leans forward slowly before she presses her lips to his. "You are completely clueless, aren't you?"

"Go home and tomorrow we will read some _Icha Icha_ together and get you up to speed and see if you still want to do this," she says huskily.

"That, that would be nice," Sai mumbles, blushing.

Walking home, Sai's heart feels like it is beating so fast it will burst. Apparently leaning forward means that you will kiss someone. He can see why Naruto says that is an invasion of personal space. Sai has never wanted to kiss anyone before and no one has ever wanted to kiss Sai before. With Ino, it feels nice to want someone and be wanted by someone in return. Still he needs to learn more about invading personal space before he sees her again tomorrow. Maybe he can ask Kakashi-sensei? After all, he seems to be reading the pervert books Ino mentioned all the time.

_**Sai's Revised Rule No. 158**_: _Leaning forward means that you want to kiss someone—which explains why Naruto always used to freak out whenever Sai did it to him. Walking a girl home can mean you are her friend and she is forcing you to carry her groceries like it did with Sakura. Walking a girl home also can mean that she wants to kiss you like it did with Ino. Either way girls can do many things that mean many different things, so it best just to let them tell you what they want you to do…especially if they are kunai-wielding kunoichi._

xxx

_It has been a couple years now since Sai first met Naruto and Sakura. He has learned many things. This is not to say Sai is socially adept; he is still in fact gut-wrenchingly awkward. Now, however, he can complete most social interactions without help of his guide books and some of his insults are even intentional. Ino is helping with his emotions, and Shikamaru is teaching him something called sarcasm (Sai has not yet grasped the concept of this). He has "bonded" with nearly everyone in the village and learned that sometimes it is best to go with your gut instinct or what feels "right" to make these bonds. That being said, there is still one person left Sai has yet to bond with…_

Uchiha Sasuke must have some sort of thing that makes people like him Sai decides. The Uchiha did not seem to follow any of the rules in Sai's guidebooks or even do things that Sai would consider "nice" and bond-inducing. Somehow in the past, however, he managed to get Sakura and Ino infatuated with him; currently, he seems to be dating Naruto and Sakura and possibly that shrieking redheaded girl all at the same time. Of course, Sai is not jealous in the slightest; he just does not understand why all of these people even _like _Sasuke.

Still, Sai is a good friend and will support his two teammates in whatever allegedly reformed delinquent they chose to have a not-so-secret polyamorous relationship with. Sai is also not hurt on principle that he is left out of the Team 7 threesome; he has Ino now. (Well, perhaps it is best not to mention this to Ino; given the type of books she likes to read, she is a bigger pervert than Kakashi-sensei and would try to get the both of them to join the threesome.) Putting all of this aside, right now Sai is wracking is brain any idea of how to bond with Sasuke and he is failing—failing horribly.

From what he can see Kakashi-sensei bonds with Sasuke by tying him to trees and giving him lectures on why he should not go on murderous rampages whenever someone says something that could possibly set Sasuke off (Sai has made a list of these topics: the Uchiha in general, Danzo, whether or whether not his hair actually looks like a duck's ass, the Council of Elders, Itachi, Orochimaru, tomatoes being called a vegetable instead of a fruit, his cursed seal, anyone else calling Naruto stupid, and more Itachi…) Naruto seems to connect with Sasuke mainly through what Kiba calls "some fucked-up foreplay" in which entire training grounds are demolished. Sakura seems to bond with him by looking at him with shimmering eyes and keening, "Sasuke-kun." Sai knows this from the one time he walked in on this and commented on the size of Sasuke's penis and had had to dodge the simultaneous attacks launched on him by the three original members of Team 7.

Sai has drawn the conclusion that any friendly overtures that could be considered sexual in the slightest will be meet with extreme violence from a possessive Naruto and Sakura. This severely limits Sai's options. Over the past few years, Sai has come to the conclusion some of his social interactions may be misconstrued when taken out of context, or perhaps when taken in any context. He does not mean for this to happen, but it does and he comes across as a major pervert. Thankfully, Ino says this is one of the many things she appreciates about him. Despite this, after long thought, Sai finally comes to a conclusion about the one thing he and Sasuke share: their lives have totally sucked, mainly because of Danzo. Despite being on the _List of 101 Things to Avoid Talking to Formerly Psychotic S-Rank Missing Nin Uchiha Sasuke About_, Sai decides to bond with Sasuke over Danzo being a rat bastard and their dead brothers. After all, what can go wrong?

…..

Sai sets out and soon finds Sasuke by himself on the outskirts of an abandoned training ground. He clears his throat and Sasuke looks up and possibly glares at him. It is difficult for Sai to read the Uchiha's facial expressions since when he is not rampaging he only seems to emote blank disdain. Sai takes this in stride and decides to continue with his attempt at bonding. "I heard is customary to burn incense for deceased loved ones. From your reaction upon hearing the truth of your brother's death, I assumed you loved him very much," Sai offers.

Sasuke's possible glare turns into a definite glare, and Sai considers whether it would have been wiser to approach the Uchiha in an area with many witnesses and an ANBU unit to intervene if things became violent. Still. Sai finishes, "Danzo attempted to have me kill my brother as well after a lifetime of killing my emotions. I do not have the emotional capacity to know your loss of a clan since I never had a family. The loss of your brother, however…I lost my brother, too. It hurts; it always hurts. He died before Danzo could make me kill him, but sometimes I hate him for it. I would never attempt the revenge you attempted because I was taught to numb all my feelings, but now that I know killing your brother is not considered normal in the slightest, I am very angr…"

"Your mouth is moving and sounds are coming out of it," Sasuke interrupts, "Stop it." Since Sasuke's hand is on his chokuto, Sai wisely shuts his mouth. "You said something about incense. You buy it, and then we go and burn it. The whole time you are not allowed to talk. This does not mean we are friends, and if you tell anyone about this, then the pain of losing your brother will be the least of your worries. That is all, " Sasuke monotones.

Sai does not respond, mainly in shock that he is not dead.

"Do. You. Understand?"

Sai falls back upon Revised Rule No.83: _In a life-threatening situation with an enraged comrade, just nod and do whatever necessary to avoid critical injury. Whatever you do, do not say anything further because this is what Sakura calls "digging yourself deeper."_

Sai nods. "Let's go, shithead. We're going shopping," Sasuke says flatly before turning at heel.

Shithead. Shithead. Sasuke had given Sai nickname. Granted, the nickname the Sasuke had given him was even ruder than the one he called Naruto by, but _no one_ has ever given Sai a nickname before—not even Ino. Sai does not how to feel. Sasuke is insulting him, but somehow Sai feels very…touched. Like it is just him and Sasuke and the world. Danzo's bastardy and dead brothers are a good starting point for bonding, Sai decides, but he wants more. Perhaps he and Sasuke could be eternal rivals like Rock Lee and Neji (except with less youth and green spandex). Sai already has best friends like Naruto and Sakura—now that they actually admit they enjoy his company—and friends like Choji and Kiba and an amazing girlfriend. Maybe if he can make Sasuke his rival, his life will be complete and will have all the necessary components his guidebooks tell him he must have…

"Shithead, are you coming, or are you going to stand there like the nothing you are?"

Then again, Sai thinks, his guidebooks have been wrong before. Sasuke seems to have the innate ability to insult people as easily as Sai does, though Sasuke takes glee in doing it on purpose. Perhaps it would be better to work on the repressing the urge to murder Sasuke in his sleep first. Rivalry can wait until once he's first fixed Sasuke's social skills and emotional coping abilities. After all, who better to teach Sasuke than Sai? He knows the loss and the hurt, but he knows how to deal with it without attempting a mass-murdering rampage—something Sasuke clearly doesn't.

"I am surprised that you are managing to shit out something other than monosyllabic grunts, seeing as you are even more emotionally constipated than me. In the future, I suggest the following exercises," Sai begins to suggest, not being able to finish the sentence.

After the ensuing fight, Sai is surprisingly not dead (although Sasuke ensures him it is only because he is allowing him to light incense for his dead brother before Sasuke sends him into the afterlife to meet him). Afterwards, they head to the shrine as dusk falls and make their offerings in silence. Staring into the fading sunlight watching as the incense fades sweet into the summer air, Sai asks Sasuke, "Do you think it will never not hurt?"

"Hn," Sasuke responds.

"I suppose that is a no. You do not have to say anything else if you want," Sai says.

Sasuke says nothing but stays there, looking at the blackening end of the stick of incense. Sai says nothing but stays there as well. They leave only when the sun is gone and night is cold and alone as they once were.

Heading back to Ichiraku Ramen where they have their weekly dinners with Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi, Ino, and the rest of their friends, Sasuke finally responds, "No, it never stops hurting; you will never stop hurting for what is gone, but you do not have to be alone. You can have happiness and you can have a family. You can have this," he says gesturing to Naruto and Sakura and the rest of the Konoha 12.

"Yes," Sai agrees, seeing Ino turn to greet him, "we can have this."

_The feelings Sai is feeling now are ones he does not have names for; his guidebooks cannot name them for him either. All he can say is that reading dead ink words in a guidebook can only let him make pictures in his mind as dead as the pictures he paints. Feeling and living this is better than reading some rules to live by. After all, he never gave anything other than a fake smile until he had something and someone to smile for. Living and loving, Sai now knows, are the best things to live by._


	2. drabble

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Naruto or any of the characters; they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't get any money from this.**

**Author notes/warnings: ****This is just a quick drabble I wrote from Ino's POV. It can be stand-alone or go as an epilogue to the main story.**

Curled up into Sai's chest, Ino keeps herself from nodding off. Sai is warm and Ino is sleepy (too sleepy in fact to think any perverted thoughts about Sai's lean stomach and pale muscles…okay, maybe Ino is thinking a few perverted thoughts).

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet;"

(Ignoring that there seems to be no England in the Naruto-universe and therefore no Shakespeare, the author hopes the reader can accept this snippet without further thought).

Sai is reading Ino poetry (Sakura told him that poetry was romantic; Ino wishes she had told him _sex _was romantic, but Sai still just looks confused whenever she tries to seduce him); Ino wishes he was reading porn. That way Ino could be straddle him and ride him until they collapsed into a haze of post-coital sleep at daybreak.

Sai stops from reading the poetry, and his face is blanker than usual. Ino is filling in the spaces of Sai's blankness and knows this blankness is the bad kind. At least, Sai now trusts she will not leave him when he doesn't fake a smile. Sai, still so scared everyone will leave him empty and alone, fakes a smile for everyone. He thinks a smile will make them stay.

"Juliet-san says any name will smell as sweet, so it does not matter," Sai muses out loud.

"Yup, babe," Ino mumbles, pressing herself against his chest. If she presses hard enough, maybe he will be understand she _loves_ him and wants to fill what he thinks is blankness with love.

"But the only name I have is Sai. And that is not a name; it's a weapon—just what Danzo called and used me as. You need a name so you are a person. Having a name means people acknowledge you as a comrade. My books tell me that."

"Do you not like being called Sai?" Ino asks hesitantly.

"No, I love it when you say my name, beautiful" Sai murmurs.

"Well, maybe your name is what the people you love call you. People acknowledge you, Sai. Even Sasuke calls you 'shithead' because he's talking to you and acknowledging you—" Ino now understands Sai's joy at receiving a nickname from Sasuke and winces—"when we call you Sai, it's because we see you. Because we love you as a person—not a weapon. You're our Sai."

"Yours?"

"Yes, mine. I love you, babe."

Sai's face is a picture of wonderment.

It breaks Ino's heart that their love is so surprising.

One day, she swears, she will tell him she loves him, and Sai will believe her.


End file.
